5 Bizarre Things You Learn About America Dealing Steroids


The Steroid User Community Is Shockingly Well Organized

“You’d be shocked at how much of the bodybuilding and weightlifting community is based on steroids. If you see a bodybuilding competition, they’re on gear … You can’t get that big without help. Period.”

Steroids are illegal, and it’d be impossible to objectively confirm this fact. But it’s proooobably worth noting that many bodybuilders wouldn’t dispute our source’s claim.

Iron Man Magazine

There’s a reason every locker room has a syringe disposal bin.

So, say you’re convinced that steroids are a good decision for you, and you desperately want to become one of the angry, red-faced, veiny men who make America’s gyms so insufferable. The first question is: Should I take my drugs orally, or shoot them up? The second question is: Why am I such an asshole, and is there anything I can do about it?

Only God and self-help books can help you with the latter, but as for the former, Marty says: “When you take oral steroids it’s much worse for you.”


And it may be the only oral you’ll be getting.

“[But] if you inject into your blood you’ll taste copper and have this cough, tren cough, that can send you to the hospital.”

Tren stands for trenbolone acetate, a powerful steroid Marty started cooking for his new boss: “If you’re in bodybuilding today you’ll be doing trenbolone … it’s 500 times stronger than testosterone.” You can expect 10-15 pounds of muscle gain in eight weeks on trenbolone, but the reported side-effects are pretty vicious:


Sometimes, you hack up little chunks of bicep.

As for steroids and their long-standing, complex, will-they-won’t-they relationship with assholes, Marty, of course, had a horrific ‘roid rage story to tell us:

“My old roommate, he was on tren and he couldn’t handle it. One night he was trenned out … He was at a bar with his girlfriend … decks her in the jaw, bartender knocks his jaw sideways … kicks him out of the bar, on his way out he sees his girlfriend run to her car with a friend …” and then runs his girlfriend down and starts “stomping on her head.”

She survived, which is about the only good thing we can say about that story.

Hey, let’s talk about candy!


Before You Know It, You’re Going Global

“We made jellies and candies for a while. We were the bad guys you hear about on the news, … ‘putting drugs in candy.'”

East718/Wiki Commons

Great for Halloween kids who want to dress as the Hulk.

Marty’s tenure as the candyman began when his boss got a wild urge to start shipping and selling their steroids mixed into Jolly Rancher-type things. (Copyright law isn’t huge with illegal drug dealers.) When Marty found out, his eager-to-please self set to work cooking up a test batch:

“I cooked a huge batch of [Jolly Ranchers], we used Kool-Aid, I put it in bowls and put up a Wickr image and he said, ‘Holy shit … you got $1000, what do you need on Amazon?'” Yes, all the key fixtures of Marty’s cooking process were bought from Amazon.com. What, you think drug chemists don’t love two-day shipping? Everybody loves two-day shipping.


Not overnight shipping though. Let’s not go crazy now.

Soon they scaled that side of the operation up, and now it’s big business. Marty didn’t have a birds-eye view to the whole operation, but the parts of it he saw pointed to something sprawling and massive: “[the raw steroid ingredients] came from China, mostly giant factories. There’s a lot that comes from Ukraine because they make steroids mostly for medical use, especially testosterone.”

He’s not going to elaborate too much on the upper management:

“The ring in the U.S. was 28 people, that’s just cooks. I have no idea about the big side. I didn’t want to know about that side. Those guys are dangerous, they kill people. My boss was a former Navy SEAL. He was so huge he looked like a Ninja Turtle.”


All records on him went into the shredder.

And, according to Marty, showing his current employees pictures of people he’d made dead was his preferred ‘motivational’ strategy,

“He preferred to use a hatchet. He chopped people up. He had one guy, he buried it halfway in his head — the guy fucked him out of a bunch of money, and he killed him.”


Shit, we weren’t expecting to use this photo again.

That seems like shoddy criming to us, but Marty claimed their phones all came from Ukraine, and were anonymized: “You don’t have your own number [when someone receives a call from you] it says number unavailable.” For added security, they all used Wickr, a super secure messaging app that’s great for journalists interviewing sensitive sources, and also, apparently, drug dealers. We have so, so much in common.


The Continuous Story In The Background Of Many Horror Films

Being a horror fan isn’t easy. You fall in love with a no-bullshit, nightmare-inducing killer, then the next thing you know he’s in Manhattan, going to hell, or bumbling around in space. It was probably never John Carpenter’s intention to have the ultimate opponent of Michael Myers be Mr. Break Ya Neck, either. But that’s the nature of being a horror fan: If it’s a good enough monster, you will have to bear the pain known as “sequels.”

That’s why the fun of horror franchises doesn’t lie in the simple “Well, TECHNICALLY Hellraiser 4 is a SEQUEL to Hellraiser 9.” It lies in seeing how all of them connect. I’m not talking about all of the films in one series … I mean ALL of them. Yes, it is insane to try to rationalize all the plot holes and inconsistencies found from film to film. Doing it means that you have almost zero empathy for the logic users of the world. But you could at least connect them all with a common theme and come out with a sense of closure for some of these horror series that ended abruptly or rebooted without any real conclusion.

Where It All Began

What started off as an innocent Easter egg in the first Nightmare On Elm Street (there is a scene wherein Nancy watches the Evil Dead with the expression of someone sitting through a VCR autopsy) …

Tree violations? Talking decapitated heads? So passe.

… evolved into a multiverse in which Ash Williams, Jason, and Freddy eventually met and dueled for supremacy.

Because of that Easter egg, Evil Dead director Sam Raimi returned the favor by including Freddy’s glove in the cabin background of Evil Dead II (1987). While we usually imagine horror directors as pale, wide-eyed creatures who hunt for fish in subterranean caves, it’s nice to see that Raimi saw Wes Craven’s Nightmare, pointed a crooked finger at the TV he’d stolen from a dead morgue attendant, and whispered “Friiieeeennnd.”

Sony Pictures Entertainment
Put the murder hand in the other murder movie, as pals do.

Think that’s not worth canonical mention? Guess again. It turns out that the Dream Demons that gave Freddy his powers (as explained in 1991’s Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare — a movie where, no shit, Freddy Krueger kills Alice Cooper) come from the very book that awoke the evil dead in that same cabin: The Necronomicon.

Dynamite Entertainment
No puns? Must be serious.

As a matter of fact, Jason Voorhees’ powers can also be traced to The Necronomicon. As seen in 1993’s Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday, the dreaded book was found in Jason’s mom’s house, presumably among other books like How To Get Over The Loss Of A Child and the CliffsNotes for Properly Stabbing And Re-Positioning Camp Counselors.

New Line Cinema
Oprah’s Book Club called it the “NOM SHUGGOTH MUGDERRO PE LAGFORN of the year!”

At the very end of the Jason Goes To Hell, those who had outlasted the human body’s natural instinct to get the hell away from that film were treated with this bowel-cleansing teaser:

New Line Cinema
Eat it, Marvel post-credits scenes.

“It’s Freddy’s hand! My childhood was worth it! Now, since the horror world is obviously starting to work in the favor of us fans, we should see Freddy Vs. Jason by 1995 AT THE LATEST.”

Ten years passed.

And then, just when you were about to give up hope and go find out what a boob feels like, Freddy Vs Jason was released. A few years later, the script for a sequel called Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash (which was eventually turned into a graphic novel instead) was born. So all of those Easter eggs eventually led to all of these series being connected. But that’s too simple. Of course the heads on the Mount Rushmore of horror are going to be connected.

But what about the JV team?

Who Else Was Involved

One of the most important and all-encompassing Easter eggs (one that is typically overlooked) was actually found in 1998’s Bride Of Chucky. There we see Michael Myers’ mask, Freddy’s glove, Jason’s mask, and Leatherface’s chainsaw, all sitting in an evidence locker.

Universal Pictures
And if you look really closely, you can see Leprechaun’s shame.

Once again, seems like this is just a non-canonical Easter egg with little-to-no story value, right? Ahem.

In 1998, Halloween: H2O was released. By the end of that film, Michael Myers was supposedly decapitated, his body was placed in the possession of the cops (I know. It was supposed to be the end of the series. Hindsight, etc.) Freddy was dead. Jason was also dead. And the last time we saw Leatherface, he let a victim escape, thus probably leading to him getting apprehended or taken down as well. Now it makes sense as to why their shit is all in an evidence locker, right?

Universal Pictures
“Not really, but we’re willing to play along.”

Chucky was also in the evidence locker, listed as “Unresolved.” Being that Andy (the protagonist of the first half of the Chucky series) was questioned at the very end of 1991’s Child’s Play 3, and was set free, as seen in 2013’s The Curse Of Chucky, it’s safe to assume that the authorities were in the middle of legitimately investigating the validity of a killer doll. And not, ya know, sending this panicky youngster to a mental ward to spend the rest of his life.

The one horror item that was blatantly missing from the scene was Hellraiser’s Lament Configuration, otherwise known as Satan’s Orgy and Meathook Rubix Cube. Being that the Hellraiser series and Pinhead were almost as popular as any of the other above-listed horror icons, it seemed like blasphemy to not include it. Especially since Pinhead was so close to being a part of Freddy Vs. Jason, no thanks to a copyright issue. Copyright: Separating nerds from their nerdy dreams since nineteen-fifty-forever.

Luckily, it only took the Hellraiser series two years to answer exactly where the Lament Configuration was, as well as answering just who was leading the investigations on these supernatural slashers.

In Hellraiser: Inferno (2000), we find out that Pinhead’s damned puzzle box was in the possession of a detective after all. Turns out that most of the events in the movie are warped due to this particular cop (named Joseph Thorne) opening the box and being trapped by Pinhead to live out his own personal Hell. In a year that gave us stuff like Dracula 2000 and Scream 3, Hellraiser: Inferno was fucking Casablanca.

The Weinstein Company
And the Oscar winner for Best Chains goes to Hellraiser: All Of Them.

The plot of the film has him conducting an investigation on a nonexistent serial killer known as “The Engineer,” who may just be an amalgamation of the other slashers he had spent his life chasing, as it’s created by his own subconscious for him to chase endlessly in Hell. Again, Casablanca.

I just wiped a single tear from my eye. Magnifico.

Could Joseph Thorne be the Mulder to the X-Files-esque cabinet we saw in Bride Of Chucky? Quite possibly yes. And Pinhead taught him that no one could stop the fucking Cenobites. Though for the sake of everyone who ever stood in front of a Blockbuster aisle and thought “Hm. A seventh movie about the Pinhead guy? Wouldn’t hurt to rent it …” he probably should have.

See, by this point in time, it was clear that these supernatural slashers were no longer invisible to the cops. We were already shown that the FBI was clued in enough to take Jason down:


Even when Michael Myers came back to wreak havoc (mostly on his own reputation), the 2002 film known as Halloween: Resurrection ended with him again in the custody of the authorities:


So the series left off with Myers revealing his supernatural healing abilities to a coroner. Being that the franchise was rebooted immediately after this film, it makes logical sense that the authorities caught on to Myers’ bullshit and stopped him before he killed anyone else. It’s definitely a whimper and not a bang, but it’s a louder whimper than he would’ve gotten if the guy who rapped “Arab Money” had been the one to truly finish him off.

And in Freddy Vs. Jason (2003), the U.S. government had finally recognized supernatural slashers as a plausible threat. Not only have they acknowledged the existence of a demonic dream killer in Freddy, but they even showed enough interest in the matter to work with pharmaceutical companies to create drugs to suppress dreams. Walgreens around the country mobilized to add “Anti-’80s-Slasher-Villain” aisles, probably in between the aisles for hair products and ass creams.

How It All Ended

By the time the comics Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash (2009) and Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash: Nightmare Warriors (2009) roll around, things have escalated and we see the government trying to use Necronomicon to create supernatural super soldiers. (This was also hinted at in Jason X, which is actually the last canonical film in this multiverse, wherein we see them try to replicate Jason’s healing factor for similar purposes. There has to be a better way to do this than to drag Jason onto your expensive, poorly armed spaceship, but for all of its advancements, the future is still as dumb as every Crystal Lake camp counselor from 1983.)

New Line Cinema
Not to sound unsympathetic in your time of need, but what did you expect?

So whatever happened to these classic boogeymen? After countless murders, the government finally became involved, and decimated and collected them all in an attempt to turn them into living (undead) weapons. Isn’t that exactly what you would’ve expected?

Need a more tangible conclusion? Watch The Cabin In The Woods. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading and go watch it. If you have seen it, watch it again right goddamn now, and then read on.

The Cabin In The Woods (2012) attempts to provide a tangible conclusion to the supernatural slasher multiverse by showing that the government (and all the world’s governments) have accepted the reality of supernatural killers, and attempt to appease the dark gods below by performing rituals sacrificing young people to them. Just replace all the generic monsters with the ones from this article. It fits, I swear.

Stuck between copyright laws and a hard place, this is what you get.

What’s the moral of this story? The endgame? There is none. At least until time travel is invented. And when it is, use it to go back in time to visit your young, innocent, slasher-movie-loving self as they go to their favorite section in the video rental place. Whisper to them, “All of this shit? It’s connected.” And then hand them a copy of this article.

“That’s really cool,” they’ll say. “You mean like Cracked, the magazine?

“No, you’re missing the point! Noooo …” you’ll yell, fading back into the time warp.

Liked the theory and want to see more rants and ravings by this writer? Follow David Israel Nunez Alvear on Twitter.

Editor’s Note: After this was written, but before it was published, Bloody Disgusting published an article detailing John Squires’ feelings on the “connected” slasher universe. Squires is one of the best and most effortlessly readable writers working in horror movie journalism today, so go check out his Twitter as well.

For more check out 6 Unspoken Rules Every Horror Movie Monster Always Follows and The Secret Thing All Horror Movies Are Really About.

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How Marvel Predicted Trump’s Rise Almost 10 Years Ago

Marvel Comics regularly publishes stories about unfrozen nonagenarians who punch magic Nazis, purple space gods who eat planets, and shit-talking, jetpack-wearing, gun-toting raccoons. But few of those tales were as implausible as 2008’s Dark Reign. This year-long storyline followed Norman Osborn — aka the Green Goblin, one of the biggest villains in comics — attaining an important government role against all logic, reason, and sanity. Ha ha, yeah, as if anything like that could ever happen.

The New York Times

… OK, they may have been on to something there.

In fact, the more you read about it, the more oddly specific parallels arise between this eight-year-old comic book arc and the ridiculous, disconcerting mess we now call a reality. For starters …

Norman Osborn Was Already Basically Donald Trump

Despite the fact that Trump has not (to date) flown around on a Halloween-themed hoverboard while wearing a goblin costume and hurling bombs at people, he does have a lot in common with Osborn. Both of them are business tycoons who live in giant towers in New York City.

Marvel Comics, Martin Dürrschnabel/Wiki Commons
Both, it’s safe to assume, have astonishingly minuscule genitalia.

Both of them also have a thing for blondes who are much younger than them. Trump, despite looking like an embalming accident, is married to a former model 25 years his junior, while Osborn had an affair with Spider-Man’s girlfriend, Gwen Stacy. Both these turns of events are equally inexplicable.

Marvel Comics, Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images
More things beyond human comprehension: their hairdos.

So strong is this blonde obsession, in fact, that it even leads these powerful men to desire (or repeatedly joke about desiring) women they should stay the hell away from. Osborn once impregnated his son’s girlfriend

Marvel Comics
Yes, Amazing Spider-Man comics are basically about Norman Osborn boning everyone.

… while Trump’s own family weirdness is somehow even more off-putting. We’re not going to detail every sexual comment he’s made about his daughters here, because 1) there are already enough articles about that, and 2) holy shit there are multiple articles about that, but here’s one instance:

Comedy Central Productions

Comedy Central Productions
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: First U.S. President to talk about his infant daughter’s breasts on TV.

And finally, one has pumpkin bombs, while the other simply resembles a pumpkin.

Marvel Comics, Drew Angerer/Getty Images
Down to that empty space where his eyes should be.

But wait. Wacky looks, lavish buildings, younger women, incestuous overtones — we’re describing every millionaire ever here, aren’t we? Sure, but that’s only the beginning.

Both Trump And Osborn Got Into Power By Exploiting America’s Anxiety About Aliens (Of Different Kinds)

Dark Reign is a follow-up to another Marvel Comics saga called Secret Invasion, in which shapeshifting aliens are revealed to be living among us. When these undocumented immigrants rise up and try to take over America and the world, Tony Stark is blamed for letting it happen and subsequently ousted from his position as director of SHIELD. This allows Osborn to waltz in and go, “Well, I would be pretty tough on the aliens. Just sayin’.”

Sound familiar?

Marvel Comics

The Guardian

New York Post
Trump hasn’t said Muslims can change shape (yet), but if he did, your uncle on Facebook would 100 percent buy it.

The short-tempered millionaire’s victory was facilitated by an unpredictable third party handling stolen information. We’re talking, of course, about Deadpool, who hacked into the aliens’ computers to find out how to kill their queen and ended up Putin- sorry, putting that data in Osborn’s hands.

Marvel Comics

The Independent
Deadpool and Assange are both obnoxious attention-seeking clowns. Coincidence?

Osborn’s rise to power is also helped massively by the media, as the climactic scene in which he shoots the alien queen is broadcast across the country, solidifying his reputation as a hero. It turns out Marvel’s writers were being naive here. Media coverage doesn’t have to be positive to make a difference. You could call someone a monster for eight months, and they’d still gain millions of fans simply from having their face on TV all the time.

Marvel Comics

Marvel Comics

The New York Times
This is why the most popular write-in votes this election were “Malaysia Airlines” and “Ebola.”

Once he’s named the head of a global peacekeeping organization called HAMMER, Osborn dons an American-flag-bedazzled suit of Stark armor and dubs himself Iron Patriot. An important sector of the public buys this new image, despite Osborn’s well-known record as a lying, conniving, morally bankrupt criminal.

Again, this was considered science fiction at one point.

Marvel Comics

Joe Raedle/Getty Images
Name one bad thing someone has done out of love for their country.

And that leads us to the most accurate (and scariest) part of this tale …

They Both Immediately Surround Themselves With Straight-Up Supervillains

To his supporters, Osborn’s reign was supposed to bring forth a new era of greatness. Finally, a strong leader was in charge — one who would rid us of those elitist, ineffectual superheroes and eradicate all terror and crime!

Marvel Comics
Make Mine Marvel Again!

So what’s the first thing Osborn does? He gets a bunch of third-rate supervillains masquerading as superheroes to form his new Avengers. You’ve got the Scorpion posing as Spider-Man, Daredevil baddie Bullseye as Hawkeye, Wolverine’s shitty son as Wolverine — basically, the Marvel universe’s version of the random washed-up politicians, former CEOs, and Neo-Nazi sympathizers populating Trump’s cabinet.

Marvel Comics
Another similarity: absolutely no mustaches.

Meanwhile, Osborn himself leads the group as the Iron Patriot, but it’s clear that he’s struggling to keep it together. It turns out that becoming incredibly powerful didn’t make it any more difficult to bait him into going on petty, furious rampages. Yeah, this one’s kind of on the nose.

Marvel Comics
“So says President Goblin.”

Marvel Comics

“Eyes glow red when mad” is apparently a Trump family quirk.

Some of the superheroes advocate working with Osborn, while other simply refuse and go hard against him. He does seem to think he’s doing the right thing, but at the same time, he’s working with murderers and other villains — which is paralleled in Trump’s confessed adulation of Putin, Duterte, Kim, and other authoritarian dictators past and present.

Marvel Comics

New Republic

The New York Times
If Doctor Doom was real, Trump would have complimented the marvelous efficiency of his killbots.

Dark Reign ends with Osborn being brought down after one of his shady allies goes off the rails and tries to destroy reality. We don’t know how Trump’s presidency will pan out, but if there’s one moral to this story, that would be: If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and brags about sexual harassment / illegal business practices / ability to shoot someone in the street and retain his cult-like followers like a duck, then don’t be surprised if it turns out to be a duck.

Marvel Comics
Though in this case, a duck might be an improvement.

Maxwell Yezpitelok will never read the comments to this article, so if you’d like to send some hate mail, may we suggest his Twitter and his Tumblr?

Also check out 6 Eerily Specific World Events Predicted By Comics and 5 Important Things You Won’t Believe Comic Books Invented.

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5 Ways Modern Disney Is Even More Sexist Than The Classics


The Women Still Live To Get Married

Disney’s traditional princess stories knew a woman’s ideal life goal: Get married, have a kid, and then die in order to inspire said kid to learn to love again and eventually get married. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, The Little Mermaid — for Disney women, living “happily ever after” meant “marrying a cape-wearing dude,” even if the original fairy tales had them dying alone.

Walt Disney Studios
It’s almost as if fairy tale writers have some issues with women.

Our modern, progressive, empowered Disney princesses, on the other hand, are totally breaking with that stuffy old construct by … living to get married? Still?

Tangled, for example, presents itself as the story of the estranged Rapunzel discovering her true origins and being reunited with her royal biological parents. But of course she also ends up marrying Flynn Rider, who’s not only a professional double-crossing thief, but also the first male human Rapunzel has ever seen. No experimental college period? Not even a Tinder spree?

Walt Disney Studios
Though getting brained with a frying pan is as much a “swipe left” as we can think of.

Brave is no better. The entire conflict revolves around tomboy Merida refusing to marry against her will, because she’s in charge of her own destiny, dammit! But all Merida actually achieves in the film is postponing her engagement. Marriage is still her ultimate (and inevitable) destiny — she just now gets to pick which bizarrely proportioned Scottish teen fails to satisfy her for the rest of her life.

In the classic Disney films, both the princesses and princes were essentially fairy tale blanks — royal, beautiful, magical, boring. In modern Disney movies, the female leads are strong-willed, independent, and three-dimensional, and yet they still live to get married. Only now, instead of princes and knights, they wind up with slackers, thieves, and loners. Progress!


Every New Female Character Looks Exactly The Same

You know the “DreamWorks Face” — the hilariously specific smirk that seemingly every DreamWorks character sports in their movie posters? Well, Disney/Pixar is just as bad. All their female characters have the exact same face.

An unofficial analysis of facial structures done on the new Disney/Pixar characters found that male characters have vastly more depth and variety, while the female faces are almost identical spheres with oversized baby eyes and tiny button noses.


They all look vaguely like boobs when you get down to it …

Yep, the male characters have all sorts of different head sizes, shapes, and details, while the women — from princesses to video game children to physical embodiments of joy — are all interchangeable variants on the same basic shape. That probably doesn’t send any kind of subconscious message, though.


Celebs Who Love Star Wars As Much As You Do

In 2017, loving Star Wars is the farthest thing from a nerd alert. In fact, this move franchise has avid fans all over the damn place. If you’re feeling a little bit of secret shame because of your R2D2 bed sheets, CP30 posters, and the fact that you’ve seen Rogue One half a dozen times,… http://www.buzznet.com