“Why isn’t she moving?”
*through gritted teeth* “There’sagraveldrivewayinmyvagina.”
Almost two years ago to the day, OB/GYN Dr. Jen Gunter beautifully shot down Gwyneth Paltrow telling idiots to steam their vagina. And now she’s back to address shoving a stone egg up there, which you’ll probably be surprised to learn is a definite “Jesus Christ, don’t ever do that.”
I read the post on GOOP and all I can tell you is it is the biggest load of garbage I have read on your site since vaginal steaming. It’s even worse than claiming bras cause cancer. But hey, you aren’t one to let facts get in the way of profiting from snake oil.
My issue begins with the very start of your post on jade eggs specifically that “queens and concubines used them to stay in shape for emperors.” Nothing says female empowerment more than the only reason to do this is for your man! And then the claim that they can balance hormones is, quite simply, biologically impossible. Pelvic floor exercises can help with incontinence and even give stronger orgasms for some women, but they cannot change hormones. As for female energy? I’m a gynecologist and I don’t know what that is!? How does one test for it? Organically sourced, fair trade urine pH sticks coming soon to GOOP for $77 I presume?
Dr. Jen goes on to detail how Gwyneth Paltrow has no clue how the “yoni” works and that cramming a porous rock into your ham wallet is not a macrobiotic ticket to feminine rejuvenation, but a really good way to die from toxic shock syndrome and/or ensure you never enjoy sex again by, medically speaking, fucking your shit all up. However, Gwyneth wasn’t entirely wrong:
The only thing your post got right is to check with your doctor before using one. So let me give you some free advice, don’t use vaginal jade eggs.
So real talk: Turns out there isn’t a GIF of Michael Jordan slam dunking a basketball into a vagina, so I’d like to apologize for not giving this post a proper ending. As loyal readers, you deserve better than that, and I hope you’ll accept this poignant, and educational, hood clip as the first step towards forgiveness.
I love you.