How Do Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban Bang? I’m Glad You Asked

I’ve always believed that if Nicole Kidman has actual intercourse, she’ll shatter into a million pieces like a porcelain doll. And in my quiet hours I’ll still hold that truth in my heart even in light of evidence that suggests Keith Urban and her are banging so much that they needed a code word to tell their poor kids who are apparently sitting alone in a room somewhere wondering when they should start mounting a pig’s head on a stick. Page Six reports:

Nicole Kidman doesn’t mince words when it’s time to be alone with husband Keith Urban while the kids are home.
“[We tell them] Mommy and Daddy need to have kissy-kissy time,” she responded to “The Moms” Denise Albert and Melissa Musen Gerstein when asked about intimate time while the kids are home.

“Kissy-kissy time.” Goddammit, that’s how you make serial killers. It almost would’ve been better if they said, “Yo, we’re going to bang. Watch Caillou, and don’t be one of those stupid kids who walks into a room without knocking or we’ll put you on Tom Cruise’s slave ship. Mommy knows him.”

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