Because slicing her finger off aboard a luxury yacht she blew her way onto was the epiphany Lindasy Lohan needed to transform into the empath Syrian refugees need right now, here’s the poem she wrote to ISIS where, I shit you not, she threatens to defeat them with “too many kisses.” It’s so bad that even Lindsay Lohan herself went, “You know what? Other human beings shouldn’t read this.” That’s a miracle in and of itself.
Jesus. Freckled. Fuck. First of all “idle isis minds?” Last I checked, they weren’t sawing off journalist’s heads because they ran out of shit to watch on Netflix. Second, is this Trump’s secret plan to defeat them? Because if that involved incentivizing me to sign a petition allowing him to tie her to a nuke and drop it on Aleppo, my pen is already moving uncontrollably. And shit, I wrote on my kid’s face. Do you think a faded “Rain ginger dick burn on them!” will get him bounced from daycare?