5 Actually Useful Job Tips They Don�€™t Want You To Know

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You Will Second Guess Even Your Dream Job

I have a problem with the phrase “dream job,” but I know that the problem is my fault. The thing is, I suspect that a lot of people are under the same mistaken impression I’ve had for years, which is that “dream job” means “stress free.” It’s an easy misinterpretation to make, because you think, “If I’m doing something I truly love, then it will never feel like a ‘job’ at all.” But it’s a perception you’re going to need to understand before you second guess yourself on the bad days and throw away something awesome.

Let’s say you love cooking. Not just “love,” but obsessed to the point that you think you might actually need medication to control the impulses. It’s such a joy that you decide, “Fuck it. I’m going to do this for a living.” So you start your own business, or you land a good job in the industry, and things are awesome. Until they aren’t. One day, out of the blue, you find yourself literally shaking from the stress, and if you don’t get a break soon, you might actually boil your own grandmother in frustration. How the hell did it get to this point?

Well, that’s the thing about passion: it breeds competition. Competition with peers, with yourself … hell, even with your own customers. “Did this asshole really just say that he’s had better cakepie at Tito’s Cakehole? Well, let’s see what he thinks when I serve him the Cakefucker 2000.” You’re always striving to get better, because … well, that’s how passion works.

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“Yeah, I just played so hard, I created a fucking rainbow. Eat passion, butthole.”

For some people, they work their asses off because they want to be the best. For others, it’s because they realize that the world is full of people who want the exact same job, but only a precious few actually get them. Fear of losing that job or business is a powerful motivator when you’ve staked your livelihood on it. So you take personal responsibility for every success and failure you create. That’s a lot of pressure, and it doesn’t take long for you to overload yourself. You think you don’t need to slow down because it’s a job you love right down to the orgasmic core of your work boner, but if you don’t learn how to rest it from time to time, your balls are going to fall right off.

Sorry, I got lost in fuck metaphors there. The point is, if you overload yourself, you’re going to start racking up bad days. Enough bad days, and before you even realize what’s going on, you’re thinking, “Holy shit, did I pick the wrong field? Do … do I suck at this? Oh, God, I’ve wasted my life on something I suck at!”

Trust me, if you’re good at what you do, and you truly love it, you haven’t wasted anything. You’ve just started to realize that after a certain amount of time, the “dream” starts to fade from the phrase, and you’re left with the “job” part. That’s not a bad thing at all. You just have to be prepared for that moment, or it will catch you off guard, and you can easily mistake your stress for catastrophe. It happens with all jobs, good or bad. Everyone needs a break. Please don’t boil your grandma.

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There’s A Trick To Creating Your Own Promotion

When it comes to promotions, all the websites, job fairs and Career Days tell you the same basic shit: work hard, be efficient, make yourself noticed, dress for the job you want, make your boss aware that you’re interested in the position, don’t elbow motherfuckers in the throat. It’s all common sense stuff, and that’s fine. People have to learn the basics from somewhere. But there’s one huge thing they never bring up, and it blows me away that they don’t: Make your boss’s job easier.

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“Who put the bong on my desk?”

No, seriously, that’s it. There is no better way to be noticed than to be the person who just shoveled a few pounds of shit off of the boss’s plate. Of course, it’s not quite as easy as it sounds, because there are a few important rules of thumb to keep in mind, so you don’t come off like a goddamn psychopath … or worse, an insufferable ass-kisser.

First, you have to understand that there’s a reason a lot of that work is on the boss’s desk and not yours. Sometimes, it’s because only certain levels of management are allowed to see certain documents. Things like employee wages and the crystal that powers their cold, black hearts. Sometimes, it’s because (and this may hurt to hear) you’re not good enough to do what they do. That’s fine — they’ve been trained for their job; you’ve been trained for yours. So be it.

Because of that, you have to be selective about what you take off of their plate. It takes a considerable amount of observation and understanding of their work process. You might not be able to swipe a whole project from them, but you can sure as hell offer to do the grunt work. “Hey, I noticed that you have to kill a bunch of rats when you first get into the office, before you can start your morning reports. I can take care of that for you, so you don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

You can be the most efficient, hard working, reliable employee in the entire company, but the more weight you can take off of your boss’s shoulders, the more you’re going to be seen as invaluable to them. That’s not ass-kissing. It’s just smart. But one thing you don’t want to do is go balls to the wall with it. “I’ve written out a 4000-word plan on how I can make the job more efficient. Let’s set up a meeting to discuss my innovative idea.” Do that, and you’re going to come off as a know-it-all control freak. Like you’re telling them, “I know how to do this much better than you. Here’s how, you idiot.”

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“I’m going to need you to fuck just SUPER off.”

No, this is something that’s best given in small doses, spread out over time. It’s not a grand gesture; it’s a consistent work habit. Trust me, if you can shave the boss’s workload from 70 hours to 60, you might as well be handing them a bag full of gold.

But before you dive into super helper mode, do yourself a favor and …

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