If you’ve been near any device that has the internet in the past 24 hours – or even just a Hatchimal, which apparently can swear and I’m guessing predict the future at some point – then you’ve heard that Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve performance was a goddamn trainwreck that would’ve been the perfect ending to 2016 if she’d taken the time to fart out an orange baby holding a grenade before side-eye-ing off the stage. Anyway, here’s a video of it that’s probably going to get pulled down, but one of my New Year’s resolutions is to give the least amount of fucks possible until I create a negative vortex zone of ungiven fucks. Also, run more.
Since the “incident,” Mariah Carey’s team and Dick Clark Productions have been at each others throats over who’s to blame. Mariah’s rep claims she was sabotaged for ratings, which Dick Clark Productions obviously denies. The Wrap reports:
“As the premier producer of live television events for nearly 50 years, we pride ourselves on our reputation and long-standing relationships with artists. To suggest that [Dick Clark Productions], as producer of music shows including the American Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and Academy of Country Music Awards, would ever intentionally compromise the success of any artist is defamatory, outrageous and frankly absurd,” a Dick Clark spokeswomen said in a statement.
While my initial reaction is that obviously this is Mariah Carey’s fault for acting like Mariah Carey, I’m actually going to blame Dick Clark Productions because they’re the ones who decided to gamble on Mariah even after they became aware that it would require a goddamn Special Forces team to make sure she didn’t show up late and she didn’t know what time the ball drops on New Year’s Eve. Which is a pretty big red flag. That’s like getting hired for the Super Bowl halftime show and going, “By the way, I don’t how time works, and I’ll shoot you in the fucking face if you bring a clock near me.”
Of course, all of this pales in comparison to the real issue from Mariah’s performance, and that’s this motherfucker is the real Luke Cage, isn’t he? How is his arm still alive?!
The Hero of Harlem, folks.