6 Insane Ways People Made Money Off Famous Crimes

6

O.J. Simpson’s “How I Killed My Wife” Book Was A Total Ripoff

Dan Mircobich/AFP/Getty Images

After being acquitted of the murder of his ex-wife and her friend, O.J. Simpson reevaluated his life and spent the rest of his days nurturing his motherless children and traveling the world solving mysteries. Kidding. He spent a decade fucking around before going to jail for other crimes. Oh, and he wrote a book bragging about how he totally got away with murder. In theory.

We’ve touched on O.J.’s If I Did It before, but we haven’t mentioned exactly how much of a scam it was, even for the five or so Juice fans still left in the world. The book contained long passages outlining how Nicole Brown’s wild single lady behavior would one day “be the death” of O.J., attempting to set up the heinous murders as some kind of justified self-defense. When it comes time to hold good to the book’s title, though, O.J. shows up at Nicole’s house and … conveniently blacks out, only to wake up standing next to her dead body, covered in blood.

ReganBooks
And presumably with an Urkel-esque “Did I do that?” look on his face.

As tactlessly garish as the premise was, the book didn’t even attempt to deliver on its promise. No one could possibly get a single iota of enjoyment out of this shameless cash grab … except for the family of the other victim, Ron Goldman. They went to court and got 90 percent of the profits of the book. They also added their own commentary and redesigned the cover:

Beaufort Books
Now we want a book about how he also murdered the Naked Gun franchise.

This wasn’t the last time Simpson tried to profit from his “fame,” though. His old pal Donald Trump has admitted that he tried to get Simpson on Celebrity Apprentice, despite being confident that he was guilty, and he said he believed that O.J. “would have done it.” However, NBC immediately vetoed the hell out of the idea, so here’s hoping that O.J. at least lands a spot on his friend’s cabinet as consolation prize.

5

George Zimmerman Keeps Charging $100,000 For Everything He Craps Out

Joe Burbank-Pool/Getty Images

George Zimmerman is a dick. There, someone finally said it. You probably know about his gross sale of the gun he used to kill a teenage boy, but that’s just one item on a long list of disgusting attempts to get rich quick on the grave of a child. What’s worse is that they worked.

Again, we’re talking about a man who is famous solely for shooting a black kid to death, so of course this anal prolapse masquerading as a human being set up an autograph booth at a gun show. To be fair, it’s not clear whether Zimmerman was given money for his appearance or if they paid him in the attention his body needs as sustenance.

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And a lifetime supply of Polar Pop (pictured here).

At one point, he attempted to sign up for a celebrity boxing match against DMX, which unfortunately fell through. So far, it sounds like Zimmerman’s money-grabbing attempts have been a failure, but that’s not the whole story. In 2015, he sold a painting “in honor” of a gun store owner who was facing backlash over having banned Muslims from his gun range. Zimmerman vowed to donate a portion of the $100,000 sale to the store for legal fees — you know, in the name of American values and freedom. As the cherry on this class act sundae, the painting bore a Confederate flag, because of course it did.

George Zimmerman
It’s possible he tried to paint a regular U.S. flag and it came out horribly disfigured.

This wasn’t Zimmerman’s first paint-splattered rodeo. He had previously sold another flag painting for $100,099 on eBay, and he’d tried to sell an unflattering painting of Special Prosecutor Angela Corey that was ripped directly from a press conference photo, putting Zimmerman in the same category as notorious art thieves like Andy Warhol and Roy Lichtenstein. His price tag for it? Exactly $100,000.

AP, George Zimmerman
He got a D from his arts and crafts teacher, though.

And lest you forget, there was that gun. Once again, the gun sold for a little over $100,000. We’re not sure which possibility is more terrifying — that there are multiple people out there shelling out thousands of dollars a pop for teenage murder memorabilia, or that one person is obsessively paying the exact same amount for said souvenirs over and over again.

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